Robbie Plans, and God Has a Field Day
My body is just not being very cooperative this first cycle. Today is Day 4 of my cycle, medically, but Day 5 halachicly, since I did a bedikah Sunday afternoon when the heavy spotting started. (See here if that made no sense to you...though if that's the case, the rest of this post will probably bore the hell out of you as well.) Given that my menstrual flow didn't really start until late Sunday night, I suppose it's not unreasonable that I can't get a hefsek today. But it's damn maddening.
My real "flow" only lasted through Monday. Well, maybe Tuesday, but that was borderline between menstruation and spotting. Yesterday was definitely spotting, at least as far as I could tell from the outside, and today there's pretty much nothing actualyl coming out...but every bedikah is bright red. Not a spot, or some crumbly residue. Soaked. Not brownish-red, or brick-red, or even background-of-this-blog red, but shockingly red. Murder red.
Now this is not so terrible, I suppose. My medical cycle is lagging a day behind, so I'm not even starting the Clomid until tomorrow night. I probably won't ovulate (Ha! as if) until medical day 13 or 14 or even 15 or 16, so I should still get to the mikvah comfortably within my fertility window. But getting a hefsek tomorrow means going to the mikvah on Shabbat. And...I've never done that before.
So, first of all, there's the crazy differences in preparation. I get home on Fridays very close to Shabbat as it is, and I just finished telling my boss on Tuesday that I no longer needed to leave work early on Fridays, so it'll be fun trying to back out of that one for next week. And I never, ever prepare at home. We have a bathtub, but I just don't use it. I like prepping at the mikvah. So now I'll have to build a whole prepare-at-home routine under nutty time pressure. OK, not terrible, though I have no idea how I'm going to swing the time off and actually getting my prep done and getting all the usual last-minute Shabbat stuff done.
I'm scheduled for a transvaginal ultrasound next Friday. My first ever. I'm pretty sure there are no halachic issues with a dildocam during the seven "clean" days, but it's on day seven, which may be trickier, and I really didn't want to have to worry about this the first time around. I will call Rabbi Spock over the weekend, I guess.
We're having dinner guests next Shabbat. And I usually go to shul Friday nights, so people will wonder where I am. I can say I decided to go to another shul, but that'll be sort of suspect, because why would I do that with guests coming home for dinner? And with Ezra still at our regular shul to bring home said guests? I don't want to just "stay home," because if I'm not there when Ezra arrives with the guests, people will ask questions. I suppose I could say I'm visiting a friend, but that is so incredibly out of character for me, plus I'd have to tell said friend what is going on so she knows to back up my story. And then, no matter what I do, there's the fact that all of the last-minute food-related stuff won't be done.
Did I say dinner guests? I must have forgotten to mention that one of said guests is actually a sleep-over guest for the weekend. He (yes, he) is a rabbi. So, duh, will probably be able to figure stuff out if we let even the tiniest thing slip. But he doesn't know about the infertility issues, and he's not always the most appropriate/discreet person, so I'm sure that as soon as he figures things out, he'll make some unintentionally hurtful remark. Plus, I...just...ugh, do I really need him knowing when I go to the mikvah? I generally would not mind, but he's going to be sleeping across the hall from me and Ezra!
Oh, that bathtub? In the guest bathroom, not the master bathroom. So I guess there's no way for him to not know what's going on, since I'm going to be prepping in his bathroom when he needs to be getting ready for Shabbat.
We can't change the dinner plans, I don't think, because then rabbi-houseguest (who is the guest of honor at that meal) will know, or at least suspect, what's up. We can't have him not-come, because, again, he'll know what's up. And I can't not go to the mikvah on Friday, because, um, baby. Or at least: chance of baby.
Well, I guess I could not go on Friday. Y'know, if I don't get a hefsek tomorrow or something.
It does not help that about seventeen other things in my life all started falling apart today too. I hope God is getting a good laugh out of all of this.
Labels: Clomid Monster, Judaism
posted by Robber Barren at 3:03 PM
comments (9)
Yeah, see, when I have a conflict like this it usually gets resolved by not getting a clean hefsek until Saturday anyway. Or Sunday.
But that is NOT going to happen to you! OK. Let's strategize. First thing is, you need to minimize anything there is to do before Shabbos besides mikvah prep. That means Ezra does all last minute food things, or you cut out all last minute things, or you get last minute things from the store. They will be happy to eat with you even if all the food is room temperature salads. I'm 100% positive.
Next, can you ask in advance if there's any way someone could open the mikvah for you before shabbos? It doesn't have to be the mikvah attendant - maybe even the cleaning staff, if you're willing to pay them. It would alleviate some of the unfamilarity, as well as the guest bathroom conflict. Although you'd have to cover for the fact that you're not home to light candles... hmm.
Third, please don't make yourself insane trying to think up a reason why you're missing or late. People use vague excuses all the time - emergency, helping out a neighbor, not feeling well - even if it has a huge hole in it, I think adults are usually wise enough to turn off the question mode in their heads when it hits a certain point. "Wonder where Mrs. X is - wait, it's night time - never mind, I don't need to know." If they're not wise, THEY are the ones who look stupid. Not you.
And finally, let's say they guess. You don't need to keep this a secret for the same reasons you're keeping infertility a secret. This is not anything to feel embarrassed or vulnerable about. This is a mitzvah that takes precedence over pretty much anything else, as well as a good, healthy part of your relationship, and if anyone is thinking about it's probably just because they're jealous. ;) So if the only thing holding you back from changing plans is that someone might guess why... personally, I'd say go for it.
Wish I had solutions to all seventeen other things, but let's see if any of these help first.
You could "go visit a friend" without giving the friend's name. The mikvah lady is your friend, right? So it's true.
Once you've cut out of work earlier than you expect your guest to arrive (earlier than Ezra will be home, right? yichud and all that. decide you're machimir, even if you aren't - it gives you more private prep time :) ), you can have the bathroom to yourself.
Or find out if you can do the tub soak, etc. in the morning, before work (go to bed early Thursday after having made most of Shabbos Wednesday night. your guests can deal).
And when you call to schedule your appt, ask the mikvah lady about the differences about going on Shabbos if you haven't asked the rabbi already. She may even have some good ideas about logistics or stories, or how to plan ahead around meals. But all that means calling her EARLY in the week, no procrastinating, y' hear?
{{{hugs}}} - and chill out; otherwise you'll be insane by then.
I'm sorry that I can't help you out with your dilemma, as I am unaccustomed to all of this (though I am ever-so slowly learning, thanks to your blog and Google). All I can say is that I'm rooting for you, and hope that Clomid does the trick this cycle!
Wow, that's complicated! I hope everything works out ok.
Good luck with all of this!
Definitely find out about doing most of the preparation on Friday morning. That could make things much easier and less awkward (assuming you can have time then), and shouldn't be too much of an issue, I think.
What persephone said! I had recently had to leave in the middle of Friday night davening to go to the mikvah, and show up late to our dinner hosts. I'm pretty sure those who actually thought about it knew what was going on, but most didn't even realize I wasn't around.
That said, I actually really enjoy immersing on Shabbat - no shower, no last minute prepping (I normally prep at home) wondering if I missed anything. It's just strip, dip and go! Piece o' cake ;) Aside from, y'know, all the Shabbat cooking, planning, preparing...
Well, I'm one who had to check out the link since your first sentence really made no sense to me. But, I didn't find the rest boring at all. Very interesting actually, and for me, educational. Thanks! Do hope it all works out for you... even if I don't fully understand it.
Goodness this does make things complicated, doesn't it. It seems that persephone has all the answers, so I hope you're feeling a bit happier about it. The main thing I wanted to say is, goodness you must have nosey friends if they're really going to press you for an answer to those questions. I'm glad someone else felt the same way.
Wow, it is amazing how much religion complicates things. I am impressed at the support the jewish faith gives couples dealing with infertility, it's very encouraging.
I hope things start to simplify sooner than later. All the best with this cycle.
Speak up!
<< Home