Have you ever had a hangnail?
That is probably the only inane question not asked in the paient intake forms for our IF clinic.
Tonight we sat down with a cup of tea, two mechanical pencils, a highlighter, and draft copies of our intake forms. To encourage
Robbie: Name?
Ezra: blank stare
Robbie: Fine, I was just trying to break the ice... Age?
Ezra: I'm [number omitted], right? No, wait, I'm...let me think about it.
Robbie: rolls eyes OK...number of years married?
Ezra: One.
Robbie: NUMBER OF YEARS MARRIED?
Ezra: Two? (with an innocent grin, of course)
Robbie: NUMBER OF...oh, to hell with it.
In retribution, I made him call his mother to verify that he had never had a urinary tract infection or *ahem* "testicular issues."
Most of Ezra's form was fairly simple to fill out. We had to look up a few of the more exotic-sounding medical conditions, but they all followed the general rule of If You Haven't Heard Of It, You Don't Have It. Then...we got to my form.
Number of cycles per year? 0
How many days between periods (on average)? um, I can't count that high
Are you an amenorrheic freak? Well, now that you mention it...
My family history section was kind of fun to fill out. Whereas Ezra's family and personal medical history consisted almost exclusively of "No" "No" and "No" - mine actually required a bit of moving one's hand back and forth to the "Yes" column for just about every other line. Let's see, we have high blood pressure, diabetes, thyroid problems, breast cancer, recurrent miscarriage, and of course the ever-lovely ovarian cancer! Let me tell you, we were mighty relieved at Dr. Google's assurance that tuberous sclerosis was not in either family history, though I guess with my people you just never know.
Following that was my personal medical history, which read like a diagnostician's game of I Never...
Have you ever had any of the following?
- Abdominal pains: Check. I call them "cramps." Or "hunger."
- Antibiotics: Check, I do live in the "Western World," as they call it.
- Chicken pox: Check. See above, "Western World," circa 1982.
- Neck/back pain: Check...hey, you think I can get a massage out of this?
- Nose/gum bleeds: If I check this off, will you tell my dentist I'm not flossing regularly?
- Neurological problems: No, but this form is making me twitch a little.
- Excessive thirst: Only when I'm thirsty. Duh.
- Severe headaches: Who hasn't had those?
- Anxiety: Is this even a question?
Actually, on that last one...I'm not sure. I've never been diagnosed (by a therapist or otherwise) as having "anxiety," but I sure as hell have my share of anxious feelings. Just what are they getting at here? I think I'm going to check off "No." No use in having my IF clinic know ahead of time what a terribly bothersome patient I'm going to be...
posted by Robber Barren at 10:04 PM
comments (4)
Wow, Hubby and I totally didn't have to go into all that detail (although, I was reading your "script" out loud to him, and he said, "aren't you glad I'm not like that? I know perfectly well we've been married 12 years.")
We've been married 4.
And I hear ya on that anxiety thing. Mine question was depression. Um, I'm totally depressed that I can't seem to have children. In a fertility clinic, isn't that, like, normal???
Well see, RB, you've sort of got it all wrong. You definitely should have checked "anxiety," and then circled it twice, put a star next to it, and drawn an arrow from the margin pointing to the answer. Because you want them to think you are super anxious, crazy, in fact. That way, it will always seem like you are on really good behavior when you come in . . .
Actually, I'm thinking I leave it checked off as "No" and then when Dr. Q remarks "You say here you've never had anxiety?" raised eyebrow I can respond: "Nope, no, never anxious. Not one bit. Why, is that weird? Should I be anxious? Do you want me to check off the 'Yes' box? It would make me feel a whole lot better if you could just tell me what to do here..."
The man always gets off too easily, even when it comes to filling out the forms. So glad to hear that you made him discuss his private parts with his mom!
Speak up!
<< Home