Midnight Masquerade

(What? A masquerade is a kind of a ball!)

Last night, around 11 PM, just as Ezra was finally convincing me that it was time to stop frittering away my precious sleeping hours and get into bed, the phone rang. "Who could be calling us this late?" Ezra wondered as he went to pick up the phone (of course, the portable phone that is supposed to live in our bedroom was nowhere near its cradle). Moments later I heard his returning footsteps, followed by, "Robbie? It's Rabbi V."

Considering my own procrastination in this area, I can't complain that it took him this long to return our call from Saturday night. Since we were both tired, we briefly considered asking him to schedule a group phone call for later in the week. We quickly and wisely concluded that we'd better take the opportunity presented and so within a few moments were we each on an extension and thus began our "theoretical discussion of halachic issues relating to fertility treatments."

The main thing that we took away from this phone call is that Rabbi V is a fairly practical and straightforward person. We told him how long we'd been trying to get me pregnant, and that I'd already had bloodwork indicating PCOS. He asked our ages and about my cycles. (It took a few minutes of back and forth for him to finally get that I don't have cycles.) He referred to sex as "lovemaking," which is more euphemistic than my prefered term of "intercourse" (or, well..."sex") but still far better than the dreaded "relations," which usually makes me wonder why my second cousins once removed need to be involved in our fertility adventures.

On more than one occasion Rabbi V stated that "we follow the doctors" when it comes to questions of which tests to perform before or during treatments. This was a major relief because I am just not comfortable taking anythign stronger than my current metformin without first verifying that Ezra is at least contributing his half to the cause. We discussed semen analysis specifically (though still in theoretical terms), and the rabbi ran down a hierarchical list of methods of procuring a sample. Apparently tops on the list is "collection condom with a hole." Next comes collection condom without a hole, followed by pulling out (yes! the rabbi actually said "pulling out!") and ejaculating into a cup. If the doctor is still not down with that option, then it's permitted to obtain a sample without intercourse but still "with the partner in the style of lovemaking." (I won't promise that this is an exact quote, but it's close.) All the way at the end of the list, apparently to be resorted too only if the wife is niddah, is masturbating alone, but even there should be an attempt to procure the sample without "manual masturbation" and without viewing pornography.

I wonder if a few artfully posed shots of myself would count as "pornography."

We also asked Rabbi V about his general views on donor egg and gestational surrogacy. (Silly idealistic me refuses to even consider that something may be wrong with Ezra's sperm, let alone the idea that something could be so wrong with them that a doctor would suggest donor sperm.) After reminding us that such questions would probably not arise, in the practical sense, for a long time (if ever), Rabbi V stated that there are many opinions permitting both of these options. Good enough for us, for now...all I was looking for was an assurance that he wasn't the "no donors, no surrogates, not ever" type.

General conclusion - we're going to work with Rabbi V. Which means it's time to bring our donations to his communal organization up to date...and to come up with a better alias for him. Any suggestions?

(Oh, and I'm still looking for design help...)