Dropping the Ball
Remember this? Where Rabbi V told us to call "early next week?" Where "next week" would be vaguely defined as January 8-15, 2006. Which was, oh, um, actually two weeks ago?
Yeah, guess who hasn't called Rabbi V back?
It doesn't help that I'm generally phone-phobic. But I can't blame that entirely. Somewhere over that weekend, Ezra and I spoke about the idea of my bouncing some names off of Rabbi A, our shul rabbi. We decided that I would do that, and so I dropped Rabbi A an email asking for an appointment. I said it would be brief, but didn't mention a topic. He said he didn't have any free evenings for the week and ask if I could let him know what I wanted to speak about. I wrote back suggesting a date the follow week and stating that it was not something I was comfortable bringing up over email. He asked for a phone call, and so on, until we finally managed to meet about five days ago. I finally managed to communicate to him that the telling him the topic was the part I wanted to do in person, and so I did. The end result of our conversation was the Rabbi V was probably a good choice, and Ezra and I would benefit from meeting with him in person at least once, just to chat and get more comfortable with the whole situation.
Terrific! I thought to myself. We're going to be within an hour's drive of Rabbi V the weekend of January 28-29, maybe we can make an appointment for that Sunday! And then...I didn't call him. I couldn't make the phone call from work, and every evening something else came up that kept me out of the house until (what I thought was) far too late to call. I figured I'd do it Sunday (that is, yesterday). Except then Sunday got filled up with cleaning and cooking and entertaining, and I needed the better part of the evening to just decompress, and before I knew what was happening it was 10 PM and time had passed me by once again. That, and we started talking about not making our planned weekend trip next week, and so there'd be no in-person appointment anyway.
OK, that's not the whole story. The part I'm not telling you (except now I am) is that I'm embarrassed to call. I have a terribly habit of forgetting to call/write people, and then making excuses to myself, and then procrastinating more, and more and more and more until it gets to the point where I can't contact them without making a total ass of myself. The phone-phobia account for a large part of it, but I'm also just a procrastinator by nature, and largely socially inept, and always a touch too proud to ask for help when it's expected that I'll need it, such that I am forced to beg for favors and guidance long after I should have figured out how to do something on my own. (I'm not talking about Rabbi V here, just my personaility in general.)
Anyway, when I call him, what am I going to say? "Hi, we spoke nearly a month ago...I was supposed to call you back but I didn't...we're not even entirely sure we want to work with you...but we need to talk to someone before our appointment...I'm terribly irresponsible and generally feeling rebellious toward this entire system...hey, could you just magically figure out when we need you in the future and then YOU can call US?" I know I need to call him soon, ideally today or tomorrow (or the next day...), but I don't even know where we stand in working with him, and I just wish the whole problem would go away.
Labels: Judaism
posted by Robber Barren at 9:45 AM
comments (10)
go. call. now. I've had to call rabbeim back and procrastinated for months (3 was the minimum) I am phone phobic as well and have very bad luck with them (despite being somewhat technology-saavy). just do it. then reward yourself (and hubby) for making the call *even if* you only reach his voicemail. a small bit of chocolate sounds like a nice reward system to me. they know we are scared to call and embarassed and all that. just go call him.
You don't know until you ask? ;)
[you are in my tefillah]
There's this concept called "reframing". I've come across it in "working with difficult children" training - as in, don't negatively label them; "manipulative" is really "good at getting their needs met". I recently saw the same concept couched in IF terms on someone else's blog - "never" is merely "not yet" - but the application here is, it isn't "almost a month", it's "just a few weeks". Downplay the time lapse in your own mind so you don't trip over yourself apologizing (or wanting to) and then just call NOW before you manage to find another excuse!
And I think a not-so-small piece of chocolate sounds like a good reward :)
Wait - chocolate is supposed to be a reward? I'm not supposed to, like, eat it for lunch? Whoops.
I can't call now-now, because I am at work, but I will make every effort to call when I get home tonight, and once I do, I will order a book or two online as a reward. How's that for disproprotionate?
Wow, RB, we have waaaaay more in common than I realized.
I'd just add to what everyone else has said - you don't owe him any explanation for why some time has passed before you called him back. This is something you're doing for you, not him. For all he knows, in the interim you were hoping to get pregnant and not need his help anymore. Or your doctor's appointment got pushed off another 2 months. Whatever. I would just say "we spoke a few weeks ago," and go on from there.
As for the rest of it - most of that is perfectly appropriate to say to a rabbi! He's (hopefully) experienced in counseling, not just halacha, so he should be very used to people being open about their emotional issues with halacha. Who knows, maybe he'll even agree to call you every couple of weeks, just to see if you have any new questions you've been too uncomfortable to ask.
Let me know if I can help by kicking you offline tonight so you can make that call. ;)
You know, truthfully, he probably will not have any recollection that you were "supposed" to call him within a specified time frame, so I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just call that man! And good luck. :-)
Self-sabotage - I went out for a couple of drinks after work and got home with speech so slurred that I can barely return a phone call to a friend, let alone call Rabbi V. Damn.
Shame on you! Punishment - no more chocolate until you DO call. Not even for lunch. (Although, if you could find the will power for *that*, it should be easy enough to just steel yourself to CALL already!)
Would (this may sound dumb, but bear with me) it help any to write yourself a mock script? At least an outline of issues/points you feel need to be part of the conversation?
Or else, we can all nag you until you post that you *have* called. Might that be a useful incentive? (grin)
Nagging could be good ;)
I, too, have a phone-phobia. I'm fine making calls at work that are work-related, but I fall apart if I have to call a rabbi, landlord, even friends. What about your husband? Hubby makes all our phone calls. I give him a list of questions/topics that I can think of before hand, and while he's on the phone, he'll sometimes relay information to me that he thinks I might want more clarification on.
So far, it works pretty well for us. Good luck!!
wow, not really related but I feel better knowing that I am not the only one with phone-phobias.
I'm glad you made that call (finally) and now that you've done it once, it should be easier. Like riding a bike. Or going to the dentist. (er, not quite so sure on this last one)..
Well, at least for me, going to the dentist is easier once I've been once, because I get to make the next appointment while I'm there... no phone call required. (And it's so nice to hear about other phone-phobic people! Unfortunately, not only am I one, I'm married to one!) Believe it or not, I went many years before going to the dentist, and only finally went because I told my husband (who had a toothache and that was his reason for finally going): "Make me an appointment while you're there. My gums are in really bad shape."
Anyway, RB, glad you finally did it. See, now that wasn't so bad, was it? (Easy for me to say...)
Speak up!
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