...and yet, still I dream

So, I stumbled across julie's musings on having another child, and reading through the comments from infertiles (including those who are now parents) got me thinking about just how damn hopeful and naive I still am.

In my mind, I am not willing to compromise on the number of children we'll have. There's a minimum of two, and ideal of three, a maximum of four, and that's it.

Two daughters preferred, but having at least one daughter is not negotiable.

Hell, I'm not even willing to compromise on birth order. I desperately want a girl first, for some pretty silly reasons. I want to name a child after my mother, I want to actually use her name instead of trying to come up with a passable boy's name, and I'm not willing to risk having boy after boy and naming them all after other people. Male infant circumcision (a must-do for us - and I'm just not in the mood for the debate today, so if you've come here to preach, get lost) scares the crap out of me and I'd rather not add that trauma into the usual first-child emotional mess if I can avoid it. Also, I want a daughter, and I want one first, just...becuase. Because I said so, and I want it, and why the hell can't things go my way for once.

(I want the world! I want the whole world! I want to lock it all up in my pocket...I want the works, I want the whole works! Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises...)

I'm sure this makes me an outcast in the IF world. I wouldn't be surprised if people coming to OOS for the first time, and reading this post, decide never to visit again, and possibly even to blacklist me. However, I remain unapologetic. I'm not going to insist that I'll never change my mind...I'm sure as my journey goes on I'm come to realize that the health and mere existence of my potential child rates far above that child's sex. Despite that, I'm not going to be dishonest. These are my dreams now, today, at this very moment. I don't want to lie. And I don't want to forget.