Hello...? Can you help me?
So, tomorrow I think Ezra and I (or maybe just...I) will be calling a rabbi. We're going to need a rabbi to help us along this infertility journey, and though I have no way of knowing who the perfect co-traveler would be, I've had a few people recommend Rabbi V.* Rabbi V is not local, but I have asked him niddah questions in the past, and I know that, generally speaking, we can communicate. Everyone I know who has interacted with him has only glowing recommendations, so that's definitely a plus. But here's the thing...none of these recommnders have been dealing with him on infertility specifically. Granted, one of the people who recommended him was a rebbetzin, a very close friend of mine, married to a rabbi who really should know who's who, so that's a good sign.
I have asked around the Jewish IF world, just a little bit, for other rav recommendations. I've gotten other names - actually, no one mentoned Rabbi V. It's a little worrisome, but a littel voice deep inside of me says to trust my rebbetzin friend and to trust my prior experience with Rabbi V. I figure that Rabbi V is at least learned enough and modest enough and practical enough that if he knows this isn't his bag, he's steer me in the right direction.
And, hey, we have a month and a half to go until our first appointment. That's plenty of time...right? RIGHT?
* Nope, not even close to his real name. maybe I'll come up with a catchy nickname for him.
Labels: Judaism
posted by Robber Barren at 10:48 PM
comments (4)
Well, conventional wisdom is that it's crucial that your rabbi be expert in the area of infertility. But I agree, if you trust him, hopefully he's the kind of person who will be honest with you and himself if he's not qualified.
That was how we ended up with Rabbi X, by the way. I thought we would consult him for our niddah questions because that's what he's best known for. But then I took kallah classes with someone else, and then we switched to someone who had a closer relationship with my husband, and that was fantastic for a while. But then - when the IF questions started heating up - he said to us "This is really not my field, but have you heard of Rabbi X?" Full circle. :)
When we were first embarking on diagnostic procedures, and then later DE, I spoke to a Rav who is well known for his knowledge of infertility, science and halacha. I was very impressed with his knowledge and felt comfortable with his decisions. But now he has fallen into disrepute over an unrelated matter, and we didn't know what to think, but decided it best not to continue consulting him. We then contacted a rabbi at PUAH institute, where we got some of our most pressing questions answered.
I would be uncomfortable going to a rav unless I knew that he was an expert in infertility. I also needed to know that he viewed DE favorably.
i can't comment on the IF field but in my searching for a rabbi, my experience is to please follow your gut instinct. you need to feel comfortable talking to him, it doesn't matter how "highly recommended" he might be, if you can't comfortably talk to him ... how can he help?
We actually had problems with our rabbi in terms of IF knowledge. He wanted to do all the research and learn about the halacha re: IF, which is great, in general, but we didn't have the time to wait for him to learn. And he wasn't looking for authorities for assistance.
We finally contacted another Orthodox person going through IF and asked for a rabbinic reference. We were put in touch with fabulous Rabbi Y who is an expert in fertility. We gave his information to our rabbi, but when we realized that our rabbi still wasn't going to go to an outside source to assist us, we went directly to Rabbi Y on our own.
Rabbi Y was a great help to us. Basically, I say go with your gut. If your rabbi is coming up with answers and you feel comfortable, stick with him. If you're getting funny vibes, keep looking. Having an authority who knows both halacha and infertility well is crucial to your peace of mind!
btw, we dealt with Rabbi Y strictly over the phone, long-distance. Geography shouldn't matter ;)
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