Remaining Unresentful
They're starting to creep up on me, those feelings I didn't want to have. Ezra's sister is pregnant, you see. She's about halfway through the pregnancy now, and thank God all indicators point to a healthy baby. This will be the first grandchild for Ezra's parents, and I am in large part relieved that our child won't have that distinction, because I don't think I could handle "breaking in" my mother-in-law when it comes to conflicting views on child-rearing. My SIL is older than I am, she and her husband have been married longer than Ezra and I have, they've owned their home longer than we've owned ours, so there's no reason to be upset that they're having a baby before us, either.
Except...
Except we've been "trying" for a year. We've known from the outset that there would be problems, but that doesn't make the waiting any easier. And SIL and BIL? They chucked the birth control, avoided her fertile phase for a few months, one day realized that they were "in the window" and said what the hell, and *poof* two weeks later they found out they were expecting. It runs in the family, too; apparently "trying" is a foreign concept to my mother-in-law. Not so in my family, of course, ubt that's a story for another day.
In any case, SIL and BIL are coming for a visit this evening. By this time, I know she will be visibly, obviously pregnant. I will do my best to express joy and excitement, because I am joyful and excited for them. But in the dusty rafters of one dark corner of my mind, way up in the nosebleed seats, a little voice is crying out: It's not fair! What about me?
posted by Robber Barren at 1:15 PM
comments (3)
Oh RB, I know what you mean. Nobody wants to feel this way, but it's hard not to. Ambiguity is part of the IF package, I'm afraid.
I'm also glad that my SIL has a healthy baby. I'm glad that my MIL finally has that long awaited first grand-child.
But it hurts when they say they were actually aiming for a november baby, one month off mark. It hurts when they joke that it's a boy, like they 'ordered'. It hurts to see them effortlessly achieve something that seems further out of reach for me than ever.
Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling this way. It's normal.
The best I can do is compartementalize my feelings. There is a time to be joyful with them for their good fortune, but there are also times when I get to be sad for us.
Oh, honey, you are a much better woman than I. Being joyful and excited for others? Hah! Never! Sorry if that makes me sound horrible. I certainly don't wish them any ill will. It's just that I'm not happy "for them." I'm sad for myself when they go and do things that remind me of my losses and inadequacies.
it IS hard, and it DOES suck no matter which way you look at it. You can totally be on board and be happy for others while stil acknowledging the "sucky" factor for you.
Speak up!
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