Well, at least we're not having PUPPies!

That's more or less what I tell people when they ask, "Do you know what you're having?"

"Humans." "Oh...um..." "At least we know we're not having puppies, right?" "Um, yeah, so...you look great!"

No puppies, but I do have PUPP(P), which stands for Terribly Irritating and Maddeningly Itchy Red Rash That Will Not Go Away Until The Babies Are Born. This all started eight or nine days ago, when I noticed some red bumps on the undersides of my not-inconsiderably-sized breasts. (Hey, a girl has to be proud of soomething, right?) Having experienced friction-related heat rash in the past when I was wearing the wrong bra size, I assumed that's all it was, loosened my 38Fs out to the largest hooks, and made a mental note to finally get fitted for nursing bras.

And then it started to itch. And I spent most of Thanksgiving trying to discreetly adjust and rub at my breasts in the presence of a dozen in-laws.

By my next OB appointment (this past Monday), there were bumps and red patches on the inner sides of my breasts as well as the bottoms. I told the doctor that I thought I had heat rash, asked if I could flash her, and then proceeded to do my Mardi Gras best. I was a little disappointed when she didn't reward me with a string of beads, and even more upset when she said that it looked like a PUPP rash.

...and then it started to spread.

I seem to be one of the rare women with PUPPP whose rash does not start in and around abdominal stretch marks. In fact, the lower half of my belly is one of the few areas of my trunk that doesn't itch at the moment - and I'd like to keep it that way if I can (though I suspect I can't). The rash extends up to the base of my neck and continues on and around my breasts to the edges of the areolae. There are significant patches scattered across the top third of my belly, a few outcrops on my upper thighs, and the hint of a new encroachment on my right forearm (though that could be my imagination). So far I think any itching on my back is just my imagination. I can't fathom having this rash there, since hot showers aggravate the itching but are also the only way I can ease my lower back pain. What a tradeoff.

At the appointmet, my OB recommended Sarna lotion: a relatively pricey concotion of camphor, menthol, and lotion-y things with a stench somewhere between "cheap sunblock" and "Vicks Vaporub of childhood nightmares." If I slather it on the affected areas and then walk around topless with my breasts held gingerly away from my body, I can create enough of a cool numbing effect to provide an hour or so of relief. Cold compresses seem to be incredibly helpful as well, but their effect is limited to the actual time of application and maybe five minutes thereafter. I'm trying to avoid antihistamines and steroids, but I have orders out for a few other recommended remedies. In the meantime, though, it's all I can do not to dive into a tub of ice chips and remain there ntil I die of hypothermia, or else scrape off my skin with a rusty butter knife.

But...in a few hours I'll be thirty weeks pregnant. And that is a truly wonderful thing.