The Wait
6w3d today. Exhaustion is catching up with me. Food aversions are getting stronger. I'm trying to take those as good signs, indications that the pregnancy is still going, and is healthy. But we know all to well that one can have all the symptoms in the world and still no viable embryo to show for it.
And so I sit and think of nothing but tomorrow's ultrasound, while trying so very hard not to think of it and instead focus on my work, because if the news is bad I don't think I'll go into work that afternoon, or perhaps all week. And in a span of one evening last week Ezra and I managed to discuss both what plans we'd make for a baby welcoming ceremony and what course of action we'd take if this pregnancy does not progress. Just to be particularly diverting, my mind is cooking up clever post titles for bad news tomorrow, but I don't dare think about how I'll share good news. Or even how we'd define good news, if faced with something other than one or two embryos whose growth is completely on target. I try not to worry about how I suspended my job search earlier this month just minutes after receiving the results of my first beta, and what it will mean if I'm not midway through this pregnancy when I am unemployed in the fall. I refuse to think about the cousin who just chose a date for her wedding (a few hundred miles away) in the middle of my (expected) third trimester, because she didn't know and doesn't know and won't know anytime soon, and wouldn't change her plans besides, I'm sure.
I just wait.
Labels: pregnancy
posted by Robber Barren at 10:11 AM
comments (13)
I was shaking for about 48 hours before our first ultrasound, I was so nervous. I so hope everything looks perfect for you guys.
Thank you so much for posting.
That was eloquent, to say the least. It actually seems like you are managing quite well for the situation. There are indeed many, many concerns.
I think there is little I can do but wish you much strength while you wait for and anticipate your appointment, much strength to get through your appointment, and much strength with which to handle whatever the ultrasound reveals.
You are in my thoughts.
Like EJW, I shook for hours before our first u/s. We had such lovely doubling betas but I had no symptoms (except the fatigue and rapid chest growth), and since I'd been spotting, I was terrified. I didn't actually cry when I saw the heartbeat on the u/s, but that's because I was so happy and stunned that I couldn't breathe.
Thinking about you, and hoping that tomorrow you're telling us how joyous the u/s was.
Waiting with you, Robbie.
And waiting and waiting. Just sitting here twiddling my thumbs for you, 'cause I figure yours might be worn out by now.
I can't wait to hear how things went today at the ultrasound. When we saw, and heard, the heartbeats, I was stunned. It just wouldn't process in my head that this was actually happening. Good luck!!!
Fingers crossed for you.
Thinking about you.... I hope that everything goes very well
I was a complete wreck the day before my first pregnancy ultrasound. I'd experienced the "bad news" ultrasound in the past, and was absolutely dreading re-experiencing it. I so, so hope you will only get to experience pure joy and excitement when you see your little one on the screen. I'll be thinking of you.
We'd also had a bad news u/s in the past, so I reacted by being mean as a snake in the hours preceding my appointment (poor dh!). Then, when we actually saw the heartbeat, I started to bawl...a strange and awkward moment in the midst of a vaginal u/s.
We've had a 2nd u/s since and I was mean before that one too. The stress doesn't seem to go away.
Wishing you a perfect "lima bean" with a bird-like pulse!!
Hey Robber - thiking of you and good luck tomorrow.
xx - moo
Oh, the wait for the first ultrasound is the WORST. I am thinking of you today, and wishing for good things.
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