10dpo: Not-Alone
I didn't realize that when Hope barged in to eat my food and drink my wine (since obviously I can't have any), she'd intruded upon Ezra's home as well. Poor guy. He was trying so hard not to show that she'd been to visit, but I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. Particularly when I tell him that my breasts aren't as sore anymore, that the bloating has gone down, that I'm feeling crampy twinges that may or may not signal the impending arrival of another Beloved Bitch.
On the other hand...after I woke up this morning, after my shower, I started feeling a little queasy. But I have to believe it was because the room was too warm, or because of last night's heavy dinner, because it can't possibly be from Something Else.
And I know I shouldn't be giving these symptoms any consideration at all, but I'm just not feeling very rational at the moment. Hey! Is that another symptom?
I think tomorrow morning I technically could POAS...but there's a significant chance that the results would not be reliable: either a false positive from a wee bit of leftover hCG from the trigger shot, or a false negative becuase it's just Too Damn Early. Wednesday morning is more tempting, but we'll have the deterrent of an overnight houseguest (there's no way I want to deal with the emotional fallout in his presence). So: Thursday morning it is. Maybe.
I haven't decided for sure that I am going to test at home on Thursday (a/k/a Beta Day). There are arguments for and against, of course. I see several possible scenarios:
1. I POAS, it's negative, and the beta is also negative. Great. I mean, not really, but at least I have an hour at home in the morning plus the whole drive to work to reconcile myself to being not-pregnant, and I will (I hope) be less devastated when I get a phone call with bad news in the middle of my workday.
2. I don't POAS, and the beta is negative. This way, I don't spend my whole morning and early afternoon upset over negative results, and I get to hang on to Hope for just a few more hours, but I will probably be a wreck at work. or...maybe not. who knows?
3. I POAS, it's positive, and the beta is also positive (and yes I realize there are actual numbers at play here). This is, of course, ideal. This situation allows me to be all happy with Ezra first thing in the morning, but I may spend the whole day anxious about the beta number. It will probably also have me obsessively looking up earl pregnancy info all day, instead of working.
4. I don't POAS, and the beta is positive. Again with the anxious worrying all day because I don't know what's up, and when I get the good news I'll have to tell Ezra over the phone instead of us sharing it in person. But at least I won't be looking up pictures of a 3w6d embryo all morning.
5. I POAS, it's negative, but the beta is positive. I get upset (without reason, it seems), in the morning, but there's a reversal of fortune later in the day. I don't get to share this joy with Ezra immediately, but that's no different from not POASing at all.
6. The dreaded outcome. The real reason I'm afraid to POAS at all. I POAS, it's positive, but then the beta is negative. So I spend my whole day happily distracted by The Pregnancy That Wasn't, and I have that much farther to fall when the bad news comes.
Yeah, so...votes? Is there a peestick in my future?
(As an aside...I've decided, I think, that I'm going to post test results here. I trust that hose of you who think you know who I am will have enough self-control to not let that sort of knowledge bleed over into the rest of your lives or, better yet, to maybe stop reading for a while. It's up to you, I guess.)
Finally, I have to say that I hate how much this is taking over my life. We just had to turn down an invitation to join friends for dinner on Thursday (the first night of the holiday of Shavuot), because I don't think I could stand to be around anyone besides Ezra if the results are negative. But of course they don't know the reason, and when we go home from shul by ourselves, they'll just think we were snubbing them. I hate it, I hate it all.
Labels: Inj/IUI
posted by Robber Barren at 8:00 AM
comments (11)
I don't think scenario #6 is likely, unless you mean "POAS positive and positive-but-bad beta" -- false negatives are pretty common, but not so false positives.
I POASed at 10dpo, 12dpo, and 14dpo, and the first two were negative (well, when I fished the second one out of the trash two days later, it had a shadow of a line, but nothing at the time). Even the 14dpo wasn't a strong positive, though my beta that day came back at 160. I'd pretty much given up hope after the 12dpo test, so it was a complete despair reversal -- my clinic even said that the 12dpo test really should have been positive.
I don't really know what I'd tell someone else to do -- I think that when you get the final results, one way or the other, it'll either be good enough or bad enough to erase the memory of what's gone before. Besides, if it's positive, you're in for a whole new level of worrying anyway (the 2ww is NOTHING compared to the first trimester of pregnancy).
Thinking good thoughts for you.
I can't offer much as far as what options to do with the POAS. However, I can totally relate to how frustrating this can be as it starts to consume not just your most personal parts of your lives, but those around you as well.
I tested positive with P at 13dpo, with one of those "light of a thousand suns" lines that Julie talked about. If I'd tested at 12dpo, it would definitely have been negative.
I am holding onto hope for you, as well. It's definitely awful when IF infringes on parts of your life that don't directly affect it.
My official "vote" is don't. But you will! Of course you will. Don't we all? If it's a negative it means nothing until beta, if it's positive it's positive (#6 is not a likely scenario!)
Good luck with it!
Well, you know my vote: I always P'ed OAS on beta day, for reasons 1 & 3. But just to reiterate, I don't think you're going to get much work done that day no matter what. Make the decision based on whatever safeguards your emotions the best.
As for turning down the invitation -- I know this will bother you anyway, but I'm sure they're smart enough not to draw any firm conclusions. They may wonder / be a little insecure about whether you don't like them anymore, but all you need to do about that is invite them over at the next opportunity instead, right?
Dear Robber Barren, how I sympathize. Hardly anything has quite that power to affect every part of our waking hours. Personally, I think I would plan to POAS on the day of the beta (and end up doing it before, being weak).
I so hope you get a brilliant outcome.
By the way, I absolutely loved the heading "Schroedinger's Uterus." Inspired!
I don't know what you should do really, but I would pick the option with the least pain involved for you. I hope you get your positive, whatever you decide.
How adorable that you can see the aura of hope around Ezra. My husband is not perceivably different from before, though I hadn't expected any different.
Ah, to POAS or not to POAS. Right now, I'm telling myself I won't. Because if it's negative, I'll just hope it was too soon or not sensitive enough.
If it's positive, I'll just worry about the beta number.
But we'll see how I feel by the end of next week.
Do what you have to do.
I didn't POAS. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I needed the "official word" and I knew I would just make myself crazy waiting for the beta results, regardless of what the stick results were. Positive stick? But what if the beta is negative? Negative stick? Does that mean I'm not or that the stick didn't work?
I couldn't hack it. I'm of the "don't POAS" mindset, but everyone has their own ways of dealing with this.
Very sweet about Ezra and lady hope. btw, if you don't POAS and you get the results of your beta at work, can you not wait (ha, as if) until you get home to tell Ezra? Or make yourself REALLY crazy and ask the clinic to leave the results on your home phone and then you can listen to the message together?
Yeah, that wouldn't happen by me, either.
I personally would POAS, but then again I'm just anal and controlling enough to want to have the maximum amount of data possible, as soon as humanly possible. But you have to go with what's going to be least crazy-making for you. Sounds like you're nervous enough about Ping OAS that for you, it might be worth it to skip it.
Thursday! Wow! Crossing everything for you!
If I get a vote than I say NO PEE STICK. I'll be thinking of you on Thursday! All the best
Speak up!
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